AUTHOR: Robert TITLE: Arriving at my family (a true and somewhat scary glimpse into the mind of Rob) DATE: 9/21/2003 12:41:00 PM ----- BODY: "If you decide to keep the child... spoil it. Spoil it every chance you get." -Morgan Freeman as Detective Somerset, "Se7en" Wow. Hard day. Adam and I are trying to move through this "inbox" thing we've got going on, and its like taking out a pound of flesh from my body just to get through all of this. I quote Detective Somerset because I think... well, if we actually make it through this very spiritual and life-affirming project -- if we really can do it -- then we've accomplished something, and we should honor this process for the rest of our lives, because I'm sure it will change the way we are as people.
I pick up a piece of paper. Seemingly insignificant, carrying everything. I look at it. I remember where it came from. I remember who I was when it arrived in my life. I decide to throw it away. I don't want to be that person anymore. I keep thinking I'm a grown up, but I'm not. I pull the piece of paper out of the trash and smooth out the crumples. I put it back in the box. I realize that in order to get through this box, I have to think a lot less about the past. I take a deep breath, and I sigh a deep sigh. But going through this box makes me think about the past. I think about all of the pieces of paper I have thrown away. I wish I had treated them better along the way. The radio plays...Spandau Ballet "This is the sound of my soul. This is the sound." ("pay attention" she whispered.) "I bought a ticket to the world, but now I've come back again." I get frustrated that the part of me that loves and remembers won't let the part of me that is Virgo Incarnate take over. This is Virgo's superpower. You just sit back and let him organize. "Bobby?" yeah? "I need you to move through this box. I really need you to move through this box, because you and I together need to be on the other side of this box. And I can't do it alone. I need your help. Please. Come on. I need you to "get" this. Work with me. Move past the box. The box is holding us here and I don't like it here. Well maybe I just need another minute with this one thing. Then I'll keep going. Do you really need another minute? I think you're just ... well, I think you're sad and a little scared of what's on the other side of this box. Okay! okay. Geez. Sorry. Sigh. Come here, sit down and I'll paint a smiley face on your ouches. This one you can't paint a smiley on, really. I can try. Will you let me try? okay.
And so it goes. For nearly every piece of paper or thing I own. Then I get to this place where I want to throw everything away. Get rid of it. Get rid of it all.
You know what this town needs? This town needs a good fire. Burn it all to the ground and start over. Start over from scratch.
So, when you're being that emotional about every piece of paper that comes along, it can get to be -- shall we say -- a burden. I don't really know when it happened... when I became such a wreck as a person. When I started feeling things this deeply. I feel like I operate on this totally different plane than everyone around me. Sometimes this makes me feel highly intelligent... sometimes it makes me feel crazy.
"Patient should not be left alone for long periods of time..."
Stuff "comes up" for me a lot. I get stuck in dealing with something or someone because of this litany of to-do's that must happen first. I'm trying really hard to get unstuck. Doing this project has shown me quite a bit of how my mind works and what goes on with me in getting through tasks... its a little scary. Anyway, earlier, Adam and I were talking about this chest-of-drawers that he has and this desk that he wants moved up here. First, we need to get them refinished (they are in LA right now and Sheila is selling the house there, so we need to figure out what to do with them) and then we need to decide... do they come up here, or do they go to Sean (our nephew) or Jeff (our nephew) or to eBay or what... And I got all weirded out about these things... I thought that it was way too much work to get these things up here. I mean, we need our friend Zenon to go to Sheila's house and look at them (he refinishes furniture for a living, and did all the paint stripping work on the Carousel at the SFZoo (which was fabulous)) then we need to get it up here, then we need to get it physically here then get it up the stairs... and... well, you get the idea. But then I decided to talk to Adam about it, and we got into this whole discussion regarding family and traditions and heirlooms and whatnot. I thought a lot of things during this conversation... I thought:
  • I love Adam
  • I don't know if I like this furniture
  • Why does Adam want this furniture
  • Why can't we just buy new furniture together
  • This furniture isn't going to go with anything we've got here
  • I don't have anything special from my past that I even care about
  • Jewish people are really into family and honor and tradition
  • I respect family and honor and tradition
  • I wonder what's going to happen to my Mom and Dad's things
  • my brother deserves those things more than I do
  • Because he got married and had kids -- so he deserves the family heirlooms not me
  • I don't mind if the kids get the family heirlooms
  • I don't want my Brother's wife to get the family heirlooms
  • little tramp
  • I'm going to miss my parents when they're gone.
  • Maybe keeping family heirlooms is more important than whether you like the furniture or not
  • But I don't want all that crap cluttering up my life
  • I want to be free of baggage
  • I want to be in my life... in NOW.
  • I want to be the kind of guy who can be free of baggage AND have the family heirlooms
In the end, the right thing will happen. I'm not really in that much control, and having love in your life is much more important than being right, or even than getting through your inbox. I'm realizing that I've spent my whole life trying to get through an inbox -- and I really should have just let it all be. I'm really glad that I've got somebody next to me who can help me figure all of this out. I don't know what I would do if I had to go through all this stuff and I had to do it all alone. I guess that's what family really is... really.
I know you well And I can tell Something's on your mind 'Cos in your dreams The demon screams And I know he's going to hurt you blind You say you hunger for something you can't get at all And love is not enough anymore If I was King for just one day I would give it all away I would give it all away to be with you If I was King for just one day I'd have just one thing to say You know -- That love is all we need to get us through Diamond rings And all those things They never sparkle like your smile And as for fame It's just a name That only satisfies you for a while I've heard it said Or maybe read Only money makes the world go 'round But all the gold Won't heal your soul If your world should tumble to the ground So listen, Love is all, love is all, love is all we need Love is all, love is all, love is all we need yeah. Love is all, love is all, love is all we need Love is all, love is all, love is all we need yeah. If I was King For just one day I'd have just one thing to say Love is all, love is all, love is all we need Love is all, love is all, love is all we need yeah. Love is all, love is all, love is all we need Love is all, love is all, love is all we need yeah.
And so we end as we began, with a quote from Mr. Somerset: "Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part." ----- --------