AUTHOR: Robert TITLE: Rob and Adam Got Married! DATE: 2/14/2004 02:11:00 PM ----- BODY: Hello, Everyone. And now for the most joyous entry to Rob and Adam's blog EVER! Rob and Adam got married last night at City Hall in San Francisco. Really really married. It was a wonderful sight to behold. The smiles and whoops of joy on everybody's faces around was an amazing thing. Its amazing to look at the Marriage Certificate. Just seeing our names, printed together on this official document and signed by a Justice of the Peace and the County Recorder and everyone can see and we're really really married and he's really my husband and I can't believe it. Please add any comments you'd like by scrolling to the end of this post and clicking on the word "comments" by the date of the post. You'll get a new window with the ability to read other's comments and post your own. We look forward to hearing from you! So, it was really a great experience, because there were all these county clerks who you just know are normally all about leaving their posts at exactly the time their supposed to and taking breaks exactly when they're supposed to -- and they're all staying late and happy about it... staying late to make sure that all of us who want to can get our marriage certificates before some right wing group gets an injuntion in place. Personally, we've never really had any major political views in place relative to Same Sex Marriage, but we've always felt that we should at least have the same rights as everyone else around. We just found out about the San Francisco "Municipal Anarchy" yesterday and decided "what the hell" we'd just go and do it. It was a wonderful, bonding experience, and we really feel different today. Adam's Mom Sheila came down and witnessed for us (signed the certificate and everything) as did our wonderful friend Mycroft. We stood in line for about 5 hours, and we were getting more and more ecstatic as we went along -- this was really going to happen. We were both amazed at how important it felt. The officials were making sure that every "i" was dotted and every "t" was crossed, checking and double-checking the documents and the process that we were going through. City Hall was set up so that you went first to the line to get licenses, then to the line to have the Justice of the Peace marry you (!!!!) then to the County Recorder's office to get your marriage recorded in the County Recorder's Register, and you got your copy of your marriage certificate. Afterwards, we went to Capri restaraunt and had a nice dinner -- and every once in a while you'd see somebody on the street just ball up their fists, and jump in the air and scream at the top of their lungs "WE GOT MARRIED TODAY!! REALLY MARRIED!!" And every time I think about that -- the thousands of couples in the city who will feel that joy of being bonded by a legal document that's recognized by everybody -- we're in love with each other, we're going to be together for as long as we can, and we're married. Really Married. Love, Rob and Adam Mr. and Mr. Norton-Odnert. Les Messieurs Robert and Adam Norton-Odnert. P.S. Many of our straight friends innocently ask why this is such a big deal -- what rights to married couples really have that "Civil Unions" or "Domestic Partnerships" don't convey -- are there really that many rights that make this all that worthwhile a pursuit? We did some research, and even we were amazed. On the order of 1,400 legal rights are conferred upon married couples in the U.S. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Among them are the rights to:
joint parenting; joint adoption; joint foster care, custody, and visitation (including non-biological parents); status as next-of-kin for hospital visits and medical decisions where one partner is too ill to be competent; joint insurance policies for home, auto and health; dissolution and divorce protections such as community property and child support; immigration and residency for partners from other countries; inheritance automatically in the absence of a will (this is a huge issue); joint leases with automatic renewal rights in the event one partner dies or leaves the house or apartment (another huge issue); inheritance of jointly-owned real and personal property through the right of survivorship (which avoids the time and expense and taxes in probate); benefits such as annuities, pension plans, Social Security, and Medicare; spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home (again, huge issue, can't be attained through legal documents); veterans' discounts on medical care, education, and home loans; joint filing of tax returns; joint filing of customs claims when traveling; wrongful death benefits for a surviving partner and children; bereavement or sick leave to care for a partner or child; decision-making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her; crime victims' recovery benefits; loss of consortium tort benefits; domestic violence protection orders; judicial protections and evidentiary immunity; and more....
Most of these legal and economic benefits cannot be privately arranged or contracted for. For example, absent a legal (or civil) marriage, there is no guaranteed joint responsibility to the partner and to third parties (including children) in such areas as child support, debts to creditors, taxes, etc. In addition, private employers and institutions often give other economic privileges and other benefits (special rates or memberships) only to married couples. And, of course, when people cannot marry, they are denied all the emotional and social benefits and responsibilities of marriage as well. This last sentence is key. Adam and I both feel more like responsible, upstanding members of society now, able to "come out into the sun" more than we did on Thursday. We feel more of a responsibility to the rest of society to uphold our end of the bargain. We didn't even "get" that this would be part of the deal. So, in many ways, saying that we're not worthy of marriage because in the past we might have not lived up to your expectations of what married couples should look like is really putting the cart before the horse. My thought is "Allow us to marry, and many of us may feel less ashamed of who we are and in feeling less ashamed, we might act less like people who should be ashamed." Does that make any sense? When you deny someone a feeling of basic decency on a daily basis -- its very damaging to any sense of belonging to society and therefore lessens the feeling of having any reason to live up to society's expectations So, yes, its important. J-lo or Britney Spears or Dennis Rodman can walk into any chapel in Las Vegas or any Justice of the Peace in any town and get married in a matter of minutes, and these rights are conveyed upon them by that U.S. State and the Federal Government -- and they can dissolve them hours later with little thought. Adam and I love each other very much and we work very hard to make our lives together fulfilling and loving, and we try to be good, hardworking American citizens, but no matter how hard we work, up until this past Thursday, (and still probably not at a Federal level any time soon) we couldn't get all of these rights if we wanted them, even if we paid a lawyer to draw up the necessary documents -- its just not possible in some cases. Thanks for all the well-wishes and the support from our friends -- even from those who aren't too sure about this whole thing, your faith in us -- our ability as a couple to uphold the marriage vows in ways you'd be proud to endorse -- gives us strength. Here's some links to Same-Sex Marriage stuff going on in the news: Washington Post Ireland Online What's going on in Massachusetts Religious Tolerance ABC News.com Poll Same Sex Marriage - CA London Free Press Search Google News for "Same Sex Marriage" Senator to submit legislation to allow Same-Sex Marriage Demand so great, some couples turned away Some Opposing Views Campaign for California Families Alliance Defense Fund ----- --------